Monday, August 29, 2016
"You're Still The One"- Shania Twain
Listening “you are still the one” by chance again and going crazy for it. It’s been 10 years since I first heard it, my feeling is still the same, even much more, I guess maybe my english is better now so I can fully understand how meaningful the lyric is.
How beautiful its lyric:
“You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're still the one I want for life
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night”
And I realized after all those years, after all mix-up relationships I’ve witnessed, after all trust and then disappointed with people, I have never lost the hope in love. I still fully believed that once day we ( my destiny and me) will sing that song together in happiness, and that one I will kiss every night and say “goodnight moon” with, no matter it is 5 years , 10 years, 20 years or longer than that. Yeap, we will make it and I will tell you in happiness that : “I’m so glad we made it. Look how far we've come, my baby”
--------
Last week I read a story about Le Vu Anh and Viktor Maslov- Russian genius physician. She is the daughter of Le Duan, the General secretary of Vietnam communist party in 1970s. Or in another way of saying, she is the princess of my country, and because of that she met so many troubles in order to go with her lover, who is Russian- Eroupe people. I read all their love story non-stop for 3 hours. Through only one source is a diary from her husband which translated from Russian to Vietnamese, I would not talk anything about her father and their family relationship, because I believed the truth in life is always much more complicated than we know, especially from only hearing one side. However, I was indignant at the traditional barriers of VN society at that time. I was upset with the back side of the Communist in my country. A lot of things showed through it, but anw, I wanna show my respect, my admiring with Le Vu Anh and her husband, who was very brave to protect their love. It is not easy to live, find love and protect it as a normal people. But it is much harder if you were born as a special person, especially person have the connection with politics.
I was thinking, people were born in such a different circumstances, they were granted with different situations and talents, so they were in charged of different role in the society. The person who was born as a princess like her, of course they are privilege for what they were provided in their life, but at the same time they also endured such a difficulty more than normal.
I don’t remember since what time I started to think just having a normal life is such a big happiness, and for that I woke up everyday with grateful about my descend. I am always satisfied with all what I have and never want to change to other’s life. Because of that I wondered what if they ever want to choose again their descend?
Maybe they also like me, don’t want to change anything at all. I do hope so, for that they would have a fulfill life. That is most important.
Yeap, I still think we got enough all what we need to do our mission in our life, no matter you are were born in a rich or poor family, no matter you are were born with a great talent or just normal people.
Shania Twain - You're Still The One - HD Video Live - YouTube
Monday, August 22, 2016
Những đêm không ngủ
Những đêm cuối ở CCU, mình sẽ nhớ góc phòng này lắm, nhớ sẽ nhớ ô cửa số nhìn ra thế giới bình yên của mình lắm. Ánh điện dưới sân vận động len lỏi qua tán lá vào tận chiếc giường tầng quen thuộc đã 2 năm. Đôi khi còn là cả ánh trăng, và còn cả những đêm không ngủ như đêm nay, cùng vũ trụ chuyển mình từ ánh sáng le lói buổi đêm sang ban ngày.
Đôi khi mất ngủ không quá phiền như mọi khi, nhất là khi bản thân nhẹ nhàng chấp nhận nó, tận hưởng nó và đôi khi nó còn tích cực giúp mình hiểu thấu đáo về những việc đã qua và sắp tới.
The last nights in CCU, I will miss this room corner, will miss this window to see my peaceful world so much. The light from the track field, sometimes also the moon is flickering through the leaf to reach our my bed. And also the sleepless nights like tonight, with the universe changing from night into daylight.
Sometimes sleepless is not to annoy as usual, especially when you accept it gently, enjoy it and it may also help us truly understand what happened and next.
What did I think last night?
My thought was with my younger sister, can she sleep well tonight? I just suffered it so more than anyone else, I knew it is very hard to time for her now. But I believe she can get over it. Time and experience will help her to grow up as it did help me.
My thought was with J. I think I found the reasons made she is confused with her future plan. Even though I knew she was braved in her past, but there are some lessons in life we need to learn again and again. I was in the same situations so I understood that it is not always easy for us to learn thoroughly from the past. And I could not believe my feelings about her is true. Even she did not talk anything to me last time we chat, but when logged in iMessage, I saw her message that she wants to talk to me. Thank God gave me that intuition, so I was able to be there to share with her when she needs. Just right before that, I chit chat with Josue and said that I often lost sleep only when there is something happened to my close people or they missed me too much ^^.
I also thought about my gege, I missed some nice time we had together. I think I will break my promise with him, I want to have a beer before I left CCU, I will sit on the roof of my dormitory, in the gentle breeze, look down to the light far from foothill and sip a beer. I wonder how is his life going? What if he misses me though a little bit? Such a long time I haven’t chat with him via FB even I knew he is online. I know he is kind of person who knows how to start a conversation first if he wants. He did not contact me, maybe coz he forgot me already or I’m not important as he is in my life. Think like that made me sad a little bit. But it doesn’t matter much. This morning I just chatted with đại ca - my first sworn brother. It's been a long time since last time we contact each other, but time and distant could not keep us apart. I still felt very close and I knew I was always a little sister in his heart, forever, even we rarely to talk, even he has his own small family now. I told him until now I only call 2 people as my “big brother” is he and Josue, and in the future, I plan not to receive anyone else, coz to separate with them is so painful :p. I still remember when his first girlfriend was jealous with me coz he cared about me too much, he said to her that she can ask him to stop to be friend with anyone, but not me. He would never stop to care about me no matter what. Such a foolish idea when we were in early twenty, but it is my privilege to have those 2 sworn brothers. No matter what happens, I had them in my heart, forever.
I thought about others people who went through my life.
I thought about sis Luyen and her husband, those people I just knew less than a half of year, but they like my parent here. She called me immediately when she knew I got hurt in my shoulder today and brought me to the doctor for an injection. Her husband who cannot speak any Vietnamese words, my Chinese is not too good either but I always feel warm in my heart whenever I met him. Those people definitely are descended different from me, but they let me know that doing the right thing, being a kind people will make our life is simpler and happier.
I remember the most interesting-old teacher in my previous job, whom I only got a chance to talked with very few times, but he gave me so many great lessons in life. I can’t wait to come back to Vietnam at the end of this year to meet him. He is old now, but he is very like the man in the novel I really love to read “ 100 years old man cross the window and disappear”. I hope he will like that man, live until more than 100 years old so I would be able to meet him again and again. He likes to drink beer a lot, he drinks it as others drink tea :v Next time I will drink beer with him >.<
Oh I remembered Phuong, who he introduced to me to consult her about Taiwan scholarship. And the world is small, she is in the same class with Dat lady and Bao Chau. I like these 2 young students a lot. And suddenly I remembered I haven’t had Bao Chau’s FB yet. And know what? I logged in FB around 4pm and I saw her friend request. See, life is so miracle, that's why I always believe in the intangible string between people.
We live and leave people. We love and get left by them. People we thought would be with us forever aren’t and people we didn’t know would come into our lives do.
Who will come into the next chapter of my life?
Today I went to NCYU to ask about the academic things and I met few people who are very friendly. I also bumped into Hoang in the social hall, and he shared with me a lot of interesting about the purpose of learning, especially about learning Ph.D. in Taiwan. He even told me he would teach me how to do self-study. I think I will stop this summer here. Anyway, I had more than 3 months to relax and enjoyed the time as a reward for my hard working on the thesis, it is enough. Now I am eager to continue to learn in the academic topic again. It is time for studying hard again, and if I do it well, next summer 1 month Europe or Latin American trip will be my reward. Yeah, jia-you.
I feel secure about my next stage. It is very clear now for my purpose of my Ph.D. here. I found out the reasons made me hesitate to take Ph.D. here is the chance to learn English. I thought I would lost the chance to learn it fast in English speaking country which I might have a chance to be there if I try to look at it. But I was wrong. I still have my long life ahead to do it, and I can totally do it after 4 years here. Language anyway just is a tool for us to cultivate our mind. English or Chinese is all good. I am having a chance to be here, I should focus on its own value and make most of it.
Meanwhile, everywhere in this world has it own unique things to learn. People from the West go to the East to learn and other ways around. “The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence” so stop looking around and learn as much as I can.
I am ready now.
One more times, life always gives us all that we need to be happy, just need to see it carefully.
Đôi khi mất ngủ không quá phiền như mọi khi, nhất là khi bản thân nhẹ nhàng chấp nhận nó, tận hưởng nó và đôi khi nó còn tích cực giúp mình hiểu thấu đáo về những việc đã qua và sắp tới.
The last nights in CCU, I will miss this room corner, will miss this window to see my peaceful world so much. The light from the track field, sometimes also the moon is flickering through the leaf to reach our my bed. And also the sleepless nights like tonight, with the universe changing from night into daylight.
Sometimes sleepless is not to annoy as usual, especially when you accept it gently, enjoy it and it may also help us truly understand what happened and next.
What did I think last night?
My thought was with my younger sister, can she sleep well tonight? I just suffered it so more than anyone else, I knew it is very hard to time for her now. But I believe she can get over it. Time and experience will help her to grow up as it did help me.
My thought was with J. I think I found the reasons made she is confused with her future plan. Even though I knew she was braved in her past, but there are some lessons in life we need to learn again and again. I was in the same situations so I understood that it is not always easy for us to learn thoroughly from the past. And I could not believe my feelings about her is true. Even she did not talk anything to me last time we chat, but when logged in iMessage, I saw her message that she wants to talk to me. Thank God gave me that intuition, so I was able to be there to share with her when she needs. Just right before that, I chit chat with Josue and said that I often lost sleep only when there is something happened to my close people or they missed me too much ^^.
I also thought about my gege, I missed some nice time we had together. I think I will break my promise with him, I want to have a beer before I left CCU, I will sit on the roof of my dormitory, in the gentle breeze, look down to the light far from foothill and sip a beer. I wonder how is his life going? What if he misses me though a little bit? Such a long time I haven’t chat with him via FB even I knew he is online. I know he is kind of person who knows how to start a conversation first if he wants. He did not contact me, maybe coz he forgot me already or I’m not important as he is in my life. Think like that made me sad a little bit. But it doesn’t matter much. This morning I just chatted with đại ca - my first sworn brother. It's been a long time since last time we contact each other, but time and distant could not keep us apart. I still felt very close and I knew I was always a little sister in his heart, forever, even we rarely to talk, even he has his own small family now. I told him until now I only call 2 people as my “big brother” is he and Josue, and in the future, I plan not to receive anyone else, coz to separate with them is so painful :p. I still remember when his first girlfriend was jealous with me coz he cared about me too much, he said to her that she can ask him to stop to be friend with anyone, but not me. He would never stop to care about me no matter what. Such a foolish idea when we were in early twenty, but it is my privilege to have those 2 sworn brothers. No matter what happens, I had them in my heart, forever.
I thought about others people who went through my life.
I thought about sis Luyen and her husband, those people I just knew less than a half of year, but they like my parent here. She called me immediately when she knew I got hurt in my shoulder today and brought me to the doctor for an injection. Her husband who cannot speak any Vietnamese words, my Chinese is not too good either but I always feel warm in my heart whenever I met him. Those people definitely are descended different from me, but they let me know that doing the right thing, being a kind people will make our life is simpler and happier.
I remember the most interesting-old teacher in my previous job, whom I only got a chance to talked with very few times, but he gave me so many great lessons in life. I can’t wait to come back to Vietnam at the end of this year to meet him. He is old now, but he is very like the man in the novel I really love to read “ 100 years old man cross the window and disappear”. I hope he will like that man, live until more than 100 years old so I would be able to meet him again and again. He likes to drink beer a lot, he drinks it as others drink tea :v Next time I will drink beer with him >.<
Oh I remembered Phuong, who he introduced to me to consult her about Taiwan scholarship. And the world is small, she is in the same class with Dat lady and Bao Chau. I like these 2 young students a lot. And suddenly I remembered I haven’t had Bao Chau’s FB yet. And know what? I logged in FB around 4pm and I saw her friend request. See, life is so miracle, that's why I always believe in the intangible string between people.
We live and leave people. We love and get left by them. People we thought would be with us forever aren’t and people we didn’t know would come into our lives do.
Who will come into the next chapter of my life?
Today I went to NCYU to ask about the academic things and I met few people who are very friendly. I also bumped into Hoang in the social hall, and he shared with me a lot of interesting about the purpose of learning, especially about learning Ph.D. in Taiwan. He even told me he would teach me how to do self-study. I think I will stop this summer here. Anyway, I had more than 3 months to relax and enjoyed the time as a reward for my hard working on the thesis, it is enough. Now I am eager to continue to learn in the academic topic again. It is time for studying hard again, and if I do it well, next summer 1 month Europe or Latin American trip will be my reward. Yeah, jia-you.
I feel secure about my next stage. It is very clear now for my purpose of my Ph.D. here. I found out the reasons made me hesitate to take Ph.D. here is the chance to learn English. I thought I would lost the chance to learn it fast in English speaking country which I might have a chance to be there if I try to look at it. But I was wrong. I still have my long life ahead to do it, and I can totally do it after 4 years here. Language anyway just is a tool for us to cultivate our mind. English or Chinese is all good. I am having a chance to be here, I should focus on its own value and make most of it.
Meanwhile, everywhere in this world has it own unique things to learn. People from the West go to the East to learn and other ways around. “The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence” so stop looking around and learn as much as I can.
I am ready now.
One more times, life always gives us all that we need to be happy, just need to see it carefully.
Friday, August 12, 2016
I decided to go, even though...
It seems like the more time I have for myself, the more things I have in my mind. I went with the book name “ Tiny beautiful things”. Basically, it's a collection of letters from many people to one consultant named “Sugar” about their life problems.
There is a letter made me I thought of my ex. Yes, I long for the faithful and intimacy partner and luckily I found him. Until now, after all mess-ups in life I ever witness, he is still the person who intimated with me completely and I did the same with him, too. So, yeap, I so regret that we could not make it go further. Yeap, I love that side of our relationship, but…i did not regret what I did. Then soon I found the clear answer from 2 women’s stories. They are pretty much the same with mine.
I was in the relationship with a good man whom I both loved and wanted to leave at the certain time in my life.
I am old enough to be considering marriage too, however, the thought of marrying him (at that time) made me feel panicky.
Yes, he is the sweetest person I will ever find, we had some things in common. He smart, handsome and absolutely crazy about me. and I loved him back too, though not absolutely before I decided to leave.
Back to that time, I struggled with myself, should i leave or not?
And yeap, Sugar right.
I decided to go, even though he is kind and faithful and dear to me
I decided to go, even though I could not imagine my life without him
I decided to go, even though I were sure no one would love me as much as he did
I decided to go, even though he adores me and my leaving would devastate him
I decided to go, even though I was afraid of being alone so bad
Even though there is nowhere to go and I did not know exactly what I would be after this…
But I wanted to go and I knew I have to go, even I cared about him a lot and he is hurt by that.
Yeap, it was the most excruciating decision I’ve ever made but it was the wisest one, so far, I think.
And I hope with all my heart that he is doing well and I wish for the best for him- Dearly
There is a letter made me I thought of my ex. Yes, I long for the faithful and intimacy partner and luckily I found him. Until now, after all mess-ups in life I ever witness, he is still the person who intimated with me completely and I did the same with him, too. So, yeap, I so regret that we could not make it go further. Yeap, I love that side of our relationship, but…i did not regret what I did. Then soon I found the clear answer from 2 women’s stories. They are pretty much the same with mine.
I was in the relationship with a good man whom I both loved and wanted to leave at the certain time in my life.
I am old enough to be considering marriage too, however, the thought of marrying him (at that time) made me feel panicky.
Yes, he is the sweetest person I will ever find, we had some things in common. He smart, handsome and absolutely crazy about me. and I loved him back too, though not absolutely before I decided to leave.
Back to that time, I struggled with myself, should i leave or not?
And yeap, Sugar right.
I decided to go, even though he is kind and faithful and dear to me
I decided to go, even though I could not imagine my life without him
I decided to go, even though I were sure no one would love me as much as he did
I decided to go, even though he adores me and my leaving would devastate him
I decided to go, even though I was afraid of being alone so bad
Even though there is nowhere to go and I did not know exactly what I would be after this…
But I wanted to go and I knew I have to go, even I cared about him a lot and he is hurt by that.
Yeap, it was the most excruciating decision I’ve ever made but it was the wisest one, so far, I think.
And I hope with all my heart that he is doing well and I wish for the best for him- Dearly
How far would you go to keep the hope of love alive??
Several days ago, I heard some of my friends talking about their husband which keep me thinking a lot. One lady shared that her husband had sex with so many woman since he was young. The story was going like this. Ms. A love Mr. B, but A’s father did not allow they married, so Mr. B go to married another girl. Ms. A was disappointed and fainted in her factory, then Mr. C helped to bring her to the hospital. Then Ms. A decided to married Mr. C very quick. After several years of their marriage, Ms.A had mistress with Mr.B and made Mr.C to feel wretched. Then Mr. C decided to sleep around with as many women as he can, no matter how old they are, how beautiful or ulgy they are.
It recalled me some passages in "Norwegian wood" when Wanatabe said he sleep around when he missed Naoko and while he did it, he imagined Naoko. It seems like those stories happen every where, every age. But when does this circus stop? what if Mr.C above or Wanatabe broke up other girl’ heart? Isn't that fair for another victims, is it? Yeap, the novel also helps me to understand that there are a lot of women willing to do that. Maybe I am not mature enough to understand what they call "phisiologicall needs". Maybe I will change that mindset after 10 or 20 years later. But right now I still can not understand. Why are people keep doing bad thing with others, just because they are stuck in their own life or just because they think it will help them forgot another one. Don't they see that is unfair and that will never help a thing?
It recalled me some passages in "Norwegian wood" when Wanatabe said he sleep around when he missed Naoko and while he did it, he imagined Naoko. It seems like those stories happen every where, every age. But when does this circus stop? what if Mr.C above or Wanatabe broke up other girl’ heart? Isn't that fair for another victims, is it? Yeap, the novel also helps me to understand that there are a lot of women willing to do that. Maybe I am not mature enough to understand what they call "phisiologicall needs". Maybe I will change that mindset after 10 or 20 years later. But right now I still can not understand. Why are people keep doing bad thing with others, just because they are stuck in their own life or just because they think it will help them forgot another one. Don't they see that is unfair and that will never help a thing?
I questioned like this long time ago, and whenever i met some similar situations I asked it again, and I know I might continue to keep asking myself many times in the future. Even I tried to put myself in their "shoes", but still believe that the human brain is powerful and we should be able to control it.
Yeap, I understand that everyone is in different circumstance, i should accepted that rather than question it. Just live the way I like, just become the person I want to become. But I am living in that spiderweb. How can avoid that ?
I went with the book name “ Tiny beautiful things”. Basically its a collection of letter from many people to one consultant named “Sugar” about their life problems. Maybe because i want to, like to read this topic and hope i can find somethings from it. Coz do i need it too?
But then, did it help? I threw me stories about unfaithful in love, about betray, about triangular relationship. It told me how complicated one’s romantic life is and how diversity the people in this world is. It recalled me all the complex relationships of my friends I ever known. All those secrets made my eyes opened several years ago since I was in undergraduate, but after all those years pass by, until now I realized that I still was being “ too black and white”. Or I am stubborn enough to still believed and looking for the “pure and last long” relationship. I doubt my self so many times, and it do disappointed, upset me sometimes. Here and there, my friend cheated her husband and had a baby with another guy, another friend had sex with one guy (which they definitely should not have that kind of relationship) before she get married with another guy who are common friend of us, and I am a friend with both guys . Another friend slept around with a lot of my girl friends i knew, another adulteress case was in the office where I worked… All of them are quite close to me, and I can not deny that the life outside may full of shit like that. I were aware of it by myself but in all case, I have no choice to shut up and just witness all this strategy. Keep silence is the best thing for their life, at least at that moment, i think and i hope i do right.
Is life so complicated like that? Should I lose my hope in my life relationship ahead? Could I find person with whom I can grow old with, with whom i can trust completely and love completely. I know people in this world is so diverse with different mindset, and there are some people they wish for as much lover as they can. Nothing against them, but I just can never understand their ideology. I only need one, only one for my whole life. But why it is seems so hard? Am I wrong with my definition of life and love. Don’t have “perfect couple” and “last long relationship” at all?
There are some couples I’ve known, they’ve failed to keep their vows at some points along the way of their marriage, but know, in lately in their life, I see they are very happy together again. Did they really happy as I know?
Is marriage this horribly complex things about which i seem to be utterly naive?
Is it painful like that?
I told myself so many times that stop questioning about love and life but move into it.
But i feel so down now, i almost get lost in that.
“its hard to wait for something you know might not happen. But it’s even harder to give up when you know it’s everything you want”
But then, did it help? I threw me stories about unfaithful in love, about betray, about triangular relationship. It told me how complicated one’s romantic life is and how diversity the people in this world is. It recalled me all the complex relationships of my friends I ever known. All those secrets made my eyes opened several years ago since I was in undergraduate, but after all those years pass by, until now I realized that I still was being “ too black and white”. Or I am stubborn enough to still believed and looking for the “pure and last long” relationship. I doubt my self so many times, and it do disappointed, upset me sometimes. Here and there, my friend cheated her husband and had a baby with another guy, another friend had sex with one guy (which they definitely should not have that kind of relationship) before she get married with another guy who are common friend of us, and I am a friend with both guys . Another friend slept around with a lot of my girl friends i knew, another adulteress case was in the office where I worked… All of them are quite close to me, and I can not deny that the life outside may full of shit like that. I were aware of it by myself but in all case, I have no choice to shut up and just witness all this strategy. Keep silence is the best thing for their life, at least at that moment, i think and i hope i do right.
Is life so complicated like that? Should I lose my hope in my life relationship ahead? Could I find person with whom I can grow old with, with whom i can trust completely and love completely. I know people in this world is so diverse with different mindset, and there are some people they wish for as much lover as they can. Nothing against them, but I just can never understand their ideology. I only need one, only one for my whole life. But why it is seems so hard? Am I wrong with my definition of life and love. Don’t have “perfect couple” and “last long relationship” at all?
There are some couples I’ve known, they’ve failed to keep their vows at some points along the way of their marriage, but know, in lately in their life, I see they are very happy together again. Did they really happy as I know?
Is marriage this horribly complex things about which i seem to be utterly naive?
Is it painful like that?
I told myself so many times that stop questioning about love and life but move into it.
But i feel so down now, i almost get lost in that.
“its hard to wait for something you know might not happen. But it’s even harder to give up when you know it’s everything you want”
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